Ravenclaw Bingo
by GalaxyInfinite
Summary: The Ravenclaws welcome Professor Umbridge with an old Ravenclaw tradition.
**This was a collaborative effort with my friend AwesomeDinosaur. We dedicate this to our awesome friend Lekusa. It was inspired by a particular teacher we had in high school.**

 **We would like to take this opportunity to announce that neither of our names are, in fact, J. K. Rowling.**

* * *

The diminutive professor was frowning over a roll of parchment when they arrived. His desk was normal sized, so he was sitting on a rather high chair, and there was a stepladder to help him climb up into his seat. As they entered the room and made their way to his desk, he tossed the parchment to the side like one would throw away a broken quill.

"You wanted to see us, Professor?" asked Cho Chang.

"Yes, yes, thank you all for coming," said Professor Flitwick, peering over his glasses at the six Ravenclaw prefects. "I'm sure that you were paying close attention to the events of last night, hmm?"

"Of course, Professor," said Padma Patil. "Am I right in thinking you are specifically referring to Professor Umbridge's speech?"

"Indeed, Miss Patil," said the professor. "I'm sure you can all see what Professor Umbridge represents in this particular context?"

There were nods around the room as they saw the underlying meaning of his words. After several years in Ravenclaw house, all of them could understand Ravenclaw doublespeak. A couple of them actually found it easier to understand Ravenclaw doublespeak than the speech used by members of the other houses.

The ministry was trying to elbow its way into Hogwarts business. The jury was still out about what Dumbledore and Harry Potter were saying, but Hogwarts business is _Hogwarts'_ business.

"As such," he continued, "I think it would be a good idea to make Professor Umbridge feel welcome, with an old Ravenclaw tradition."

Understanding and amusement spread around the room. Of course, what better way to throw a new Professor off balance than to play a game of "Ravenclaw Bingo"? Professor Flitwick grinned at his students.

"I think that's a great idea, Professor," said Anthony Goldstein. "When do we start?"

"When do we have Defense?" asked Padma.

Anthony pulled out his new timetable. "Not until Wednesday," he replied, looking quite disappointed.

"The sixth years have Defense after lunch today," contributed Erik Lehnsherr, one of the sixth year prefects.

"Hey, Professor," asked Jamie McCrimmon, a seventh year. "Is this going to involve the whole house?"

"Just the upper three years, I think," said Professor Flitwick. "We need students with plenty of experience to pull this off. We wouldn't want her to know what's really going on now, would we?"

"Of course not, sir," said Jamie. "That would be completely unprofessional."

"Get the word around before your first Defense classes," instructed the professor. "We'll have a house meeting on Friday evening, as per usual. Dismissed."

As the prefects began to leave, Padma turned to Anthony and announced "I'm going to win."

Anthony returned her determined expression and said "We shall see."

* * *

The fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were becoming increasingly bored. Professor Umbridge had instructed them to read _Defensive Magical Theory_ , a task almost as interesting as feeding flobberworms. Padma Patil thought that it was the most unimaginative text she had ever read. Now was the perfect time to put their plan into action. She nudged Anthony, and he winked at her. Anthony raised his hand.

"Professor? I have a question regarding the second course aim of learning to recognise situations in which defensive magic can legally be used. Wouldn't the completion of such a criterion require access to a comprehensive list of the laws that have already been formulated in this area?"

Professor Umbridge blinked. "I'm sorry, Mr -?"

"Anthony Goldstein," he said.

"Well, Mr Goldstein, I'm afraid we're supposed to be reading at the moment," Umbridge said in her distinctively sickeningly sweet voice. "But we can deal with everyone's questions once everyone has finished."

"But surely it would be conducive to our reading for us to have access to legal material so that we can more properly complete the course aims that have been set out?" he insisted. "In the interest of helping the collective student body achieve more adequate results in the new Ministry-approved curriculum, of course."

"I think you'll find that the textbook will quite suffice in that regard, Mr Goldstein," Umbridge replied.

"He's right, though, isn't he?" asked Wayne Hopkins from Hufflepuff. "It would be better if we could read from something else." Anthony couldn't help but smile slightly at the thinly veiled attempt from Wayne to try and get something less boring to read.

"Students must raise their hand when they wish to speak." Umbridge turned away from him as he promptly put up his hand, only to slowly lower it when it was clear she wasn't going to answer him. "Now, if you all can please get back to reading."

After a few minutes of silence, Padma raised her hand. Umbridge didn't immediately acknowledge her, but Ravenclaws were nothing if not resolute.

"Yes, Miss ...?" said Umbridge.

"Patil," said Padma. "Professor Umbridge, I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's something that's disrupting my learning, and I was hoping you would be able to help me." she explained.

Umbridge narrowed her eyes.

"I'm somewhat embarrassed to even ask," Padma continued, "but I thought that, given your Ministry qualifications, you would be able to help."

Umbridge's face brightened, and she nodded, as she took the bait.

"I'm sorry for pondering such existential questions," began Padma, "but I was wondering about what impact a Hogwarts education has on our lives. What effect does a class such as this have? Why do we learn these things?"

"I'm the teacher, and you are the student," dismissed Umbridge. "Your job is to learn. Now get back -"

"That's exactly my point, Professor," interjected Padma. "You have the Ministry authority and qualifications to answer these sorts of questions. I'm a Ravenclaw, Professor. I have to know why, and I'm afraid that I cannot read another word until I know the truth. Surely Ministry-approved individuals such as yourself are the best source of information possible."

Umbridge was about to make another dismissive comment when she saw the earnest expressions on the faces of all of the Ravenclaws and most of the Hufflepuffs. This appealed to a deep place within her soul. They were like innocent little kittens. They were lost children begging for her guidance.

"Put your books away, and I will explain," said Professor Umbridge, and the class eagerly complied. "Each and every lesson you learn adds a new thread to your Tapestry of Life." As Umbridge shifted her gaze over to the Hufflepuffs, the Ravenclaws exchanged puzzled looks.

"What is this Tapestry of Life?" asked Lisa Turpin, with a surprisingly convincing display of wonderment.

"You haven't heard of the Tapestry of Life before?" asked Umbridge. When the students all shook their heads, she explained. "Your Tapestry of Life is what prepares you for whatever life may throw at you. In order to cope in the real world, you need to learn the right lessons from a Ministry-authorised instructor."

"What about our other teachers?" asked Michael Corner. "Professor Lupin, for instance."

Umbridge shook her head in pity. "A dangerous half-breed like that should not have been allowed near children such as yourselves. He, no doubt, taught you dangerous things that would send you adrift from all that is good and right by the Ministry. Do you want to spend the rest of your lives in Azkaban?" The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs all shook their heads. "Then we must cut those dangerous threads from your Tapestries, and begin anew."

Anthony Goldstein needed to regain control of the conversation, now that Padma had created an opening. He needed to win this competition.

"Professor Umbridge," said Anthony, "You said that the Tapestry of Life prepares you for whatever life may throw at you. You're a Ministry-authorised professional, therefore you must have a very well developed Tapestry yourself. How did you, personally, develop your Tapestry of Life?"

"Years of life experience working as a member of the Ministry," explained Professor Umbridge. "You're all just children at the moment, so wouldn't have developed the resilience and life skills necessary for a strong Tapestry such as mine. However, over the course of your education you will learn how to be valuable members of the Ministry-governed british magical community."

"Is the Tapestry of Life a psychological construct, or is it a form of magic?" asked Padma.

"Are you not a witch, Miss Patil?" asked Umbridge.

Padma opened her mouth, but Professor Umbridge interrupted her before she could answer the question. Most teachers knew better than to ask rhetorical questions when Ravenclaws were around. Ravenclaws were nothing if not conscientious.

"The Tapestry of Life is a form of magic deep within your soul, that impacts everything you do," explained Professor Umbridge. "Your Tapestry of Life must be nurtured with Ministry-approved lessons so that it can grow into a good Tapestry, so that you can grow into a good member of society."

"But what form of magic is it?" asked Mandy Brocklehurst. "Charms? Divination?"

"Sadly, the art of the Tapestry is not taught as part of formal education," said Umbridge.

"But that's not fair, Professor!" exclaimed Anthony. "This education system is flawed, therefore it must be fixed! The Ministry must design a system wherein the lessons are comprehensive and contiguous! Hitherto our educational system has been missing the most important factor! Without our Tapestry teachings, our Tapestry will hereafter be flawed! We shall hereby and henceforth become disciples of the Tapestry, lest we be lost forevermore!"

The other Ravenclaws stared at Anthony in admiration. The Hufflepuffs stared at Anthony in shock and amazement. Professor Umbridge gazed at Anthony with an oddly hungry-looking expression, eating up the attention.

Padma glared at Anthony. "You win this round," she muttered under her breath.


End file.
